- The Human Centipede; First Sequence -
While there are some truly God-awful films out there, I think I'm safe to say that this film takes the top prize in my book as a film worthy to forget.
The feature length film (barely making it that far as it just barely crosses the 90minute line) 'stars' Dieter Laser - as the demented Dr Hieter I'll talk about him a little later, Ashley Williams and Ashlynn Yennie as *Insert horror movie cliché alert here* two hopelessly shallow, lost, blonde American tourists travelling through the German Backwoods *sigh*, and Akhihiro Kitamura another tourist but from Japan who doesn't speak a word of English and guess where the good Doctor decides to place him in his horrible scheme?
Oh, the film also 'stars' Andreas Leupold and Peter Blankenstein (real surname on imdb) as two of the most ridiculous movie detectives I've ever seen... Bernard Kostrau also puts in an appearance in the film as, and I'm quoting his imdb character here - Dirty Man in Car - a character who appears for little more than a minute, and makes obscene sexual comments to our two plastic female stars.
Barely five minutes into the film, our two female characters are lost in the German forest. They spend the next few minutes bickering, they're supposed to be best friends but have less Chemistry than a GSCE science project, before they come to the house of Dr Hieter - the only house around for miles.
If that's not bad enough the obviously creepy doctor invites them in and offers them drug spiked drinks...
-The Gormless girls in the house of Heinous Hieter-
After explaining his ingenious plan to his horrified three captives - I'd just like to take a second and say that this scene carries the best acting in the entire film - but lets face it - who wouldn't be repulsed as someone tells you that he is intending to cut your cheeks off and stitch you permanently to the arse of another human being? One of the female characters decides to make a run for it and gets caught in the pool by the doctor who then delivers the only line worth quoting in the film; "You are going to regret your little escape, in fact I'm thankful for it, because now I know definitely you are the middle piece!"
While the film is said to be 100% medically accurate, I would take this with a pinch of salt - the simple fact that a single doctor could not carry out this operation; three sedated people would need constant monitoring as the operation is carried out to make sure that none of them dies is bad enough, but to even pretend that a person could survive being attached to another person's arse is simply ridiculous - a little juvenile here but - a single fart would actually kill the person behind them!
So once you've gotten over the shock of these three people permanently stitched together you then remember that these characters are about as three-dimensional as a Pancake! They came out of nowhere, have no personality and don't seem to have any redeeming or sympathetic qualities, you simply don't care. In fact by the end of the film you simply wish they'd all shut up because you've spent the last 45 minutes (at least) listening to them moan!
Now onto the main character Dr Hieter. Hieter is actually based upon a real person; Doctor Eduard Wirths - A Nazi (surprise, surprise) surgeon who was obsessed with the thoughts of attaching organs and limbs onto the body of another (usually this was done with twins) to see if they could make a better soldier.. Hieter is - like the rest of the cast - two dimensional. He has no personality, no history, no motivation for his crimes and no redeeming features.
I have no idea how this film was even funded, though I will say this for the film - it does provide horror fans with a slightly horrible ending; after a daring escape attempt by 'The Human Centipede' the Japanese front piece randomly gives a monologue about how horrible a person he is and how he deserves to be in his agony before delving a piece of glass into his throat and dying. Dr Hieter then returns to his pool and kills the two police officers and somehow taking a bullet to the forehead in the process and dying. The two remaining members of the centipede then clasp hands as the back piece sobs her last breath and the 'middle piece' is then left to scream and moan and cry as the camera pans upwards.
However, despite all of the characters deaths in the film - it has been announced that the director of this trainwreck is releasing a sequel; 'The Human Centipede - Full Sequence' featuring a 25 person centipede. Cue my suicide.
